I understand lots of things. Like, I understand what causes tsunamis, how tornadoes form and quantum physics. (5 points if you know which two I didn’t make up) There are, however, quite a large number of things that I don’t understand and I’d like to submit them for your review.

Things That Confuse and Confound Me

• I do not now, and likely will never, know how many ounces are in a quart. Or a pound. Or however they go.That shit makes no sense.
• Why are the Kardashians newsworthy?
• How people like Snooki, the crazy tan face lady, crackheads, Kevin Federline, the mom from “Precious” and so on, are able to reproduce easily and often. Seriously. The universe gives babies to whackos like that while good people struggle with fertility. WTF?
• My inability to finish one task before starting another. My bed is half made with clean sheets and I’m composing this list for you. I also did two dishes and then started on the bed. So now I have two unfinished things to do and I’m watching videos on YouTube.
• Can someone please explain to me why “My So-Called Life” was cancelled after only one goddamned season? ONE. I will never know what happened with Angela and Jordan Catalano and Brian Krakow and I am not fucking ok with that.
• Why do my neighbors let their kids jump on that janky, rusty old trampoline? That’s like letting your kids play with a lion, a switchblade, hairspray and a lighter. Or giving food to a mogwai after midnight. It’s common sense. That thing is a deathtrap!
• Why hasn’t time travel been invented yet? Or has it? It’s entirely possible that the government, or a mad scientist has and it’s a secret. Maybe you’re here from the future and you’re reading this. If so, do human beings still communicate verbally in your time or is it through telepathy? Also, do cupcakes still exist?
• I don’t get why some people don’t read books for fun/knowledge/power. Books are awesome. Someone who boasts “I don’t read”, or “The last book I read was in high school” is dumb as dirt and deserves a slap to the head.
• Men and the television remote.
• Human emotions. I mean, I have them. I’m not Vicki the robot girl from “Small Wonder”, but I mean, really. They’re so complex. Why are we not given guidebooks to life when we’re old enough to read? If someone wants to help me, we could write one.
• If this world is so dangerous that peanuts are banned from schools, hand sanitizer is EVERYWHERE, soda is evil, and gluten-free is screeched at you from every direction, how has the human race survived this long?

I want to become a Spinning Instructor.

I know I have a distance to go before I’m ready, but the best part about this is that no matter what the distance may be, I know what the destination is. No one has ever achieved their goals by staying on the couch. So, no matter how long it takes me, I’ve decided and the goal is set. The rest of my life starts right here. I can do this. To borrow a line from author Haven Kimmel, “She got up off the couch.” And I did.

My primary goals have been to be healthy and happy with myself. But as I’ve been Spinning more and more, I realized how much I love it and that I’m good at it. My mind and body connect on the bike and I feel all of the stresses in my life melting away as I ride. I leave them on the “road” behind me. As I got deeper into my commitment to fitness and making myself happy, it dawned on me that I could share what I get out of Spinning with others. I could help other women find the kind of physical and emotional strength my instructors guide me to during class.

I’m ready to challenge myself to be who I know I can be, who maybe I am already. A leader. An inspiration. A friend. Fit and confident and happy. I CAN do this.

Do you remember your first time? What if felt like? What you were wearing? The sounds, the emotions, the overwhelming feeling of being alive and completely aware of everything going on around you?

I do.

I remember everything about that day. How the spring air had a hint of chill, but the sky was blue and the sun was shining. I remember how many people were there and how small I felt in comparison to the event I was a part of.

I remember holding his hand as he led the way, my palms sweaty with anticipation and sunscreen. And I remember coming…out of the concourse and into the light. And that’s when I cried. When I saw the Green Monster looming over a field so perfect, like I’d dreamed it would be. When I stood with my hand over my heart and my cap in my other hand, singing along to the National Anthem with pride and joy as tears rolled down my face, our flag waving in the afternoon breeze.

I remember the taste of my first Fenway Frank and I don’t think anything has ever tasted finer. I remember cracking open peanut shells, and how cold the beer was. I remember him showing me how to keep score and I remember feeling like if I died right then and there, I would be ok because I would have gone in a place that felt closer to heaven than I’d ever been.

I remember that my team got crushed that Memorial Day, but I left with a voice hoarse from cheering them on until the final out. I remember holding my ticket stub tightly in my hand the whole way home. It’s still in my nightstand, I look at it in the winter when I miss the Boys of Summer and want a piece of that feeling to get me through to Spring Training.

Maybe your first was like mine. Maybe Fenway Park was where you heard the crack of the bat, where you were swept out of your seat to shout along with thousands of people sharing in your excitement. Think of all of those who came before you. Who cheered and cried and sat in those seats, 100 years of memories all melting together in this magical temple to baseball.

Maybe you were a little boy, born and raised outside Detroit. You remember those Opening Day games at Tiger Stadium, where YOU learned to keep score. Maybe your first was at Wrigley or Shea or even Yankee Stadium. Your first time is something that will live inside you for your entire life. And if you’re lucky, you can hold the hand of someone you love when it’s their first time. And if you’re even luckier, you can see it through their eyes and relive the magic of what it’s like when the whole world seems brighter and electric and full of colors like you’ve never seen.

(And don’t think I don’t know what you dirty pervs thought I was talking about at first. Get your minds out of the gutter.)

Just a few months shy of 35 and I’m feeling reflective (not like glow-in-the-dark or nightime bike safety reflective)…maybe pensive is the right word. Remember that girl? The 18 year old you who was pretty sure she knew everything but was scared as shit underneath it all? Of course you do. She’s been on my mind a lot lately.

THINGS I WISH I COULD TELL 18 YEAR OLD SARA:

• Don’t rush into going right to college after high school if you’re not ready. Take a year off to figure out what you want to do…work, travel, drink wine in France, wait tables in NYC (fuck that, you’d hate that). When you’re finally ready to go back to school, you’ll appreciate it so much more.
• When you do get to school, please don’t even consider being a theater major. What a trainwreck waste of time that was! Stick to marketing and business and shit that will actually translate to real life. Pretending to sway like a tree in the breeze hasn’t gotten me anywhere.
• Dude. STAY AWAY from the credit card salespeople in the Student Union. That awesome “free” t-shirt you got for signing up ultimately will cost you THOUSANDS. Don’t be a dumbass. And pizza, beer and tattoos are NOT credit card emergencies…most of the time, anyway.
• There’s nothing cool about drinking until you black out/pass out/fall down/break bones/crack open head/get head stapled/lose all of your eyelashes/fall asleep in a bar.
• School is for LEARNING. Go to class! College, as awesome as it is, isn’t just a super expensive condo complex where you sleep, eat, drink, and play. Take advantage of every opportunity handed to you and not just every bong handed to you. Seriously.
• Open a savings account, dummy! Put lots of money in it! It sucks being broke all the time when you’re a kid. Be smart!
• FYI…That super friendly guy at that party doesn’t really care at all what you’re saying. He’s just wondering how long it will take you to agree to go somewhere “for a walk”. Don’t go.
• It is never, ever ok to dress like a Spice Girl. Please just trust me on this.
• Be confident! Believe in yourself. Don’t hate yourself so much! Don’t be so shy that you miss out on the good stuff. And seriously, look into Xanax earlier in life.
• Cherish the times with your friends. Those memories will last a lifetime. Avoid stupid fights over nothing that leave you missing them for years.
• Apologize when you’re wrong. Just suck it up and do it.
• You don’t know more than your mom and dad, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. And you still need them more than you think you do.
• You’re not as good at skiing as you think you are.
• Mailboxes are for mail, not cheeseburgers.
• Be thankful for the chances you’re given to start each day anew.
• You’re going end up ok. I promise.

I like lots of things. I think I’ve covered quite of few of them in previous posts. Dirty martinis, unicorns, Ron Swanson, cupcakes, Spinning, glitter, pink, glittery pink. I think it’s high time I went over a few things I do not like even one bit.

• When my preferred coffee flavor isn’t available at Honey Dew. (To be fair, this has only happened once in 3 years, but it damn near ruined my whole day.)
• Douchebags on sport bikes, popping wheelies like a tool and acting foolish anywhere near me. (This happened tonight on my way home and it’s still pissing me off.)
• General douchebaggery (This is a very broad category and on any given day, can include different actions or behaviors. And seriously, you know douchebaggery when you see it. You know I’m right.)
• Not being able to find a pair of shoes or article of clothing when you know damn well they are somewhere in your house and you look forever for them and you start to think you’re insane and you don’t even own anything like what you’re looking for and then find it but now you’re late for where you were going. Usually work.
• Getting my nails done, they look damn good and then getting home and they chip on something totally dumb like while opening the silverware drawer.)
• Driving all the way to a place, any place, and realizing that something important you need at that place is at home. (Laptop, debit card, checkbook, car registration, tickets to a sporting event, etc. All not good.)
• Running into someone you owe money to/don’t like/don’t want to talk to/want to beat up. All bad.
• When you go into Homegoods and you have money to spend and you can’t find even one thing you want to buy and bring into your home. That annoys me so much it’s ridiculous.
• Conversely, going to Target when you have no money and walking out with bags full of stuff and even less money. (Come to think of it, that’s not really a bad thing. Just mildly annoying when you’re broke for the rest of the week. But at least you have all of your Target goodies to make you happy!)
• Waiting in lines. Anywhere. Ever.
• Taking that first drink of your coffee on the way to work with a light-colored top on and getting coffee on that damn shirt. (It happens every time, so why do I continue to purchase/wear light tops?)
• Please don’t ask married women when they’re going to have a baby. You could be asking with the best of intentions, but you could be hurting someone more than you know. Just keep that in mind.
• When guys want to insult a woman who is even slightly overweight and they go right for the “F” word. FAT. It’s fucked up and it makes me really mad. I’ve unfriended two people on Facebook for status posts that had nothing to do with me or people I know, purely on principle. It is not cool. If said woman is truly a jerk and you’re calling her out for poor behavior, call out the behavior. But attacks on someone’s physical features are jacked up and I do not like it. (Unless it’s Lindsay Lohan’s crazy new face or that woman who had tons of surgery to look like a cat. And that’s really not ok either but seriously? Have you seen LiLo lately?!)
• Women at the gym who don’t clean the machines after they use them. That’s gross and I will make a really mean face at you about it and my mean faces can turn people to stone. I tried it once and it worked. So don’t risk it and just clean the damn elliptical after you get off of it!
• When the Red Sox start off the season sucking hard. Ugh. Do. Not. Like.
• I don’t like that Justin Timberlake won’t just hurry up and make some more catchy jams for me to put on my iPod. JT, I respect your acting career and loved you in Friends With Benefits (you’re on my list, BTW) and The Social Network. But please? Can I just get some more songs? Collaborate with Timbaland or whomever. JUST SING SOME DAMN SONGS FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD.
• And finally, I don’t like that after I gave up on the idea of Ryan Gosling being the perfect guy for me, he had to go and save some woman’s life. STOP BEING A SUPERHERO SO I CAN STOP PLAYING IN TRAFFIC WAITING FOR YOU TO SHOW UP AND SAVE ME!!

What am I thinking about this week? Let’s break it down…

• My husband is officially 1 year cancer-free. REMISSION is my new favorite word and I keep saying it, whispering it to myself, smiling like a goof. REMISSION!
• Oh hey, Peach Pinkberry with cinnamon streusel and mixed nuts. What, you’re yummy, taste like peach pie AND trick me into thinking you’re healthy? OK, let’s be BFF’s.
• I’m down 4 more pounds this week for a total of…drum roll…36.2 lbs! As a gal who doesn’t finish anything she starts (besides dessert and bottles of wine), this is serious business. I’ve been kicking ass since January 4th and I’m so proud of myself it’s ridiculous. The best part? I’m doing it with hard work, exercise, and determination…not meal replacements or supplements or pills or anything. For the first time in my life I’m not taking the easy way out.
• This is going to be my next reward:

Because I am.

• I’m seriously hooked on cereal right now, like a 5 year old. It’s crazy. Chex, Cheerios, Special K with Red Berries. I’m trying to hard to be healthy to let myself go to the dark side, but I fantasize about Cap’n Crunch, Frosted Flakes, and my favorite of all time…Cocoa Pebbles. I would eat a box of that in one sitting. LIKE A BOSS.

• Agree or disagree, I don’t care but I need to get this off my chest…I don’t get The Hunger Games. I don’t understand why they don’t have real names. Katniss? Peeta? WTF is that all about? And why does that bother me more than the idea of children hunting each other to the death? Whatever. I’m just not interested and that’s all there is to it.

• TITANIC 3D opens next week!!! I have a legit case of Titanic fever and the only cure is 3D glasses and a large popcorn. And I’m a nerd about the real Titanic, not just the movie. I went to see the Titanic: The Artifact Exhibition in Vegas and you’d better believe I posed on the Grand Staircase all fancy like.

• Yes, I realize I’m totally late to the party, but you guys! The Muppets was crazy cute! AND! My rockstar boyfriend Dave Grohl was in it! I definitely cried like 3 times and it made me so nostalgic for childhood and watching The Muppet Show after bathtime, all snug in my jammies, chilling with my brother on the couch, singing the theme song, warm and safe and happy.

Oh Pinterest. How you’ve sucked me in with your inspirational pictures, crafty ideas, yummy foods and drool-worthy pics of my cute boy crushes. I’m pinning all day, every day and I can’t stay away from you. What’s a girl to do?

Things I’ve learned from Pinterest:

• I’m not the only person in the world who loves unicorns and glitter. Like, it’s crazy how many people do.
• There’s an outrageous number of Hunger Games/Twilight/Harry Potter pins out there. Good lord.
• There are 8,000,000 cupcake recipes in this world. And they all look damn good.
• You can make something crafty out of any old piece of trash you have around the house. Empty lotion bottle? SHAZAM! Now it’s a iPhone holder! Old piece of yarn and a beer bottle? Oooh, it’s a nightlight!
• Some of these crafty ideas are awesome. Some are just ridiculous. And honestly, who has the time, energy and that many old mason jars just laying around?!
• There are way to many people doing far too little real work because they are all on Pinterest. Pretty soon our society will grind to a halt because we’re all too busy in our houses pinning, pinning, pinning.
• Pinterest is not giving away gift cards, iPads, iPhones or cash. You’re dumb for repinning that shizz.
• Wine Slush and homemade Cheez-Its are freaking awesome.
• I’m not nearly as creative as I thought I was. If you’ve thought it, seen it, bought it, heard it, dreamed it…it’s on Pinterest.
• I want to have another wedding just to try all of the adorable/sweet/romantic/amazing wedding ideas! Why do you taunt the already married with your oh-so-cute pins?
• I could write more, but I just realized that I haven’t pinned a motivationally crafty fashionably nerdy food pin in about 10 minutes!!

Mr. H & I were watching ‘Bad Girls Club: Las Vegas’ last night. It’s trashy, the “bad girls” on the show are despicable, their behavior is deplorable, and they have zero respect for themselves or anyone around them. They absolutely make me ill.

However….

There’s a piece of me, deep down inside, that’s almost…envious of their freedom to be truly horrendous, with no consequences really, just pulled off of each other after a nasty hair-pulling catfight and sent to cool off in a hotel for the night. Most of the time, the Bad Girl is back in the morning, ready to stir up some more shizz.

As I sat on the couch watching their shenanigans, Mr. H said, “There should be something like the ‘Kind-Of Bad Girls Club’, where girls like you, who can probably dish out a beating, can go and just do whatever, but ‘kind of’ bad, not really bad.” (I’m not quoting him verbatim, but you get the gist.)

He was so totally right.

Why can’t Oxygen create a not-so-bad version of the show and let normal women like me, who have jobs and families and functional lives, just go and live without rules and consequences for a while? Want to throw a glass against a wall because someone mildly irritated you? Go ahead! Want to throw someone’s shoes in the pool because they used your expensive shampoo? Feel free! No rules in the Kind-Of Bad Girls House! I mean, seriously, haven’t you ever gotten so mad that you wanted to just unleash on someone and have an all-out fit? Just scream and be rude and maybe hit them (just lightly) and break a lamp or two? (And if you just answered NO to that, you’re lying.)

I’m so in.